


words will never hurt me

by marvelleous



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, Philinda reunion, Post Season 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-23 07:58:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11398377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marvelleous/pseuds/marvelleous
Summary: Phil returns from space, and while he doesn't expect sunshine and rainbows, the last thing he anticipates is being dragged away by Melinda May to receive the lecture of his lifetime.





	words will never hurt me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> This one is for Stinis, who asked for a fic and actually got me to sit down and write for the first time in a week.

"That is without a doubt, the stupidest thing I have ever heard."

Melinda didn't raise her voice often, preferred to speak with actions rather than words, but when ones oldest friend is jettisoned off to space for half a year with no prior notice, well... circumstances change.

"What the hell were you thinking?"

Phil opens his mouth to speak, scratching the back of his head with one hand and shrugging as he struggles to come up with the right words. It's a strange turn of events, him standing in silence and her reacting with anger, actually verbally expressing her feelings for once.

It's not just anger though. The flurry of emotions coursing through her have been culminating since Phil's disappearance, and whilst relief had overshadowed most of her thoughts upon his immediate return, it has mostly faded, leaving her mind a mess of conflicting feelings. Part of her hates him for being a self sacrificing idiot, to give himself up to protect their team.

He shouldn't have had to go.

She would have taken his place in a heartbeat had she been offered the chance.

Their team, they needed leadership, they needed Phil Coulson. He was irreplaceable in a way that she would never be.

Which was exactly the point she was trying to get across to him - how stupid he was. Logically she knows that he had no other choice, but she wishes he had come to her - they could have found another way. Together, they could solve any mystery, find their way out of any situation, no matter how unimaginable, how impossible it may seem. There were days where he would tell her everything; for an operative of an intelligence agency, Phil had never been great at keeping secrets, at least not from her.

But it seemed those days were long gone now.

It's as if she doesn't even know him anymore. Or perhaps, maybe they really hadn't been as close as she thought, imagined, hoped. They’ve been apart so long she barely remembers what it felt like when they were together, working as partners, friends. And now that he’s back… she doesn’t even know how to act around him. Part of her had thought that they were finally getting somewhere, maybe ready to explore those feelings she had long harboured for him, from back when they were fresh faced young cadets, not yet damaged and broken by the world and it’s horrors.

Not for the first time, she wonders how everything had gone so wrong.

Phil finally speaks up before she has a chance to allow her thoughts to drift any further, but instead of making her blood boil in rage like she expects, his words send an icy chill through her veins.

“I had no choice, May. I had to do what needed to be done. You know…”

He cuts himself off before he can finish his sentence, but she knows what he was about to say - she can see the regret, the shame in his eyes. Bahrain will forever be a crack in her memories, a stain amongst her triumphs, but she wouldn’t take back what she did then, knows that she made the right call. It’s a part of her, but it’s also in the past, and each time it is brought up, another part of her resolve breaks, wondering why she is still being punished for decisions she made almost a decade ago.

“It’s my job.”

She almost scoffs at that, the truth in his statement a bitter sting. It was all their jobs - to keep the world safe, to protect those who couldn’t fend for themselves, against threats they often knew nothing about. Many men and women lay down their lives in the line of duty, but most people didn’t do it twice. The day Phil died was quite possibly the worst in her life, but when he disappeared six months ago, just vanishing into thin air, that day was a close second.

It isn’t just him. She remembers her own death well, maybe not the being dead part, but the moments before, and the moments after she was brought back. The only word to describe it was terrifying. But he had been there with her - not physically, but in her mind, and somehow, that lessened the fear, the pain.

The only things she had been able to picture during Phil’s disappearance were the myriad of ways in which he could have died, alone, again.

Needless to say, she’s had trouble sleeping for a very long time now.

“It could have been my job. The team needed you, after everything that happened, with the framework, with AIDA.”

She grits her teeth and tries to drain herself of all emotions, to hide just how much _she_ had needed him, but her resolve is weak. He was by all means their leader, their director, and she was a specialist. It brings back memories of their last argument, back before all this, when Daisy had been turned and Phil had handed her the trigger to Lincoln’s explosive vest. She told him then that she was willing to do his dirty work for him, and even in her anger she had meant it.

They both had roles to play and that should have been hers.

But he’s back now, safe, and their team is together once more. Daisy and Fitzsimmons were planning a celebration, everyone else had been elated. The other agents that had stuck by them were hailing Agent Coulson’s return.

Melinda is too hollow, too hurt, to be happy.

“I did it for the team. For you. To protect you!”

She doesn’t want to hear it, these words, her words, repeated back to her as a means to quell her anger. The pain, the heartbreak, it’s almost too much for her to bear. There wasn’t a doubt in her mind that she would stay by his side, no matter what, but she would not stand here and listen to his lies.

With a shake of her head, she turns to leave, but she doesn’t make it two steps before a hand closes around her wrist and if it were anyone else, she would have lashed out and hit them. Phil’s been through enough already. She doesn’t want this, to just stay here and yell at him, no matter how much it pains her to keep the feelings locked up within.

“No, you don’t get to walk away. I didn’t have a choice, you need to understand that.”

Melinda whips her head around, looking him in the eyes for the first time since his return, and immediately regretting her decision to do so. His irises are as blue as she remembers, and there are tears threatening to spill and she just wants to cry out in frustration.

“You had a choice. You could have told me,” she whispers instead, the anger within her quickly dissipating as his shoulders slump and here they were again. Together. On earth. Standing in her temporary room, reunited after months apart, with nothing else to say to one another. She doesn’t know how it always comes down to this, Phil and her, trapped at a crossroads, not knowing where to head even after thirty years.

The grip on her wrist loosens, and she knows he’s giving her control. She can head for her door, make him leave, curl up once more in the silence and solitude that she is so familiar with. It isn’t what she wants.

She’s ignored her wants, her desires, for so long now. The thought of losing him a third time is enough to shatter her defenses, for her to take what she wanted, no, what she needed, for the first time.

Phil appears startled when she inches closer towards him, a faint flush spreading across his face and it doesn’t matter if he pushes her away and makes a run for it, she just has to know, has to let him know, how she truly feels. Taking in a shaky breath, she slips her free hand up to cup his jaw, running her thumb across his stubbled cheek. Her eyes flutter closed as she leans forwards, and presses their lips together, for the first time as Phil and Melinda, under no false pretenses.

Her heart is hammering within her chest, and she can’t process how much time has gone by, because Phil hasn’t pulled away from her. It’s possible a split second feels like an eternity when she’s finally doing what she’s wanted to for years, but she doesn’t know for sure. They’re frozen there, together, unmoving, his lips rough and dry against hers, and the selfish part within her wants this to last forever.

The realistic part knows that nothing does.

Melinda doesn’t know how much time has passed when she reluctantly begins to draw back, but the moment she tries, Phil follows. It’s still chaste but his lips are pressing insistently against hers and his arm has moved from its place by his side to wrap around her waist, holding her close to him. She is dimly aware that they’ll need to have a proper conversation about this later, to discuss the parameters of this relationship, because she’s sure as hell not letting him walk away after this, but for now, she’s content right where she is.

Phil’s other hand travels up to her hair, and she exhales softly, her lips parting at the sensation of his fingers buried in the strands. He takes the opportunity explore her mouth, his tongue meeting hers almost too gently, the sensation making her feel a warmth spreading from within. She rests her other hand against his chest, fingertips digging slightly into the fabric of his shirt, just needing for them to be as connected as possible.

When they eventually part, they’re both softly gasping for air, and Phil’s cheeks are tinged pink, though she’s sure that she isn’t far off herself. The smile on his face somehow causes her heart to beat even faster, biting the inside of her cheek to try and stop herself from breaking out into one of her own. She hasn’t seen him this happy in so long. The expression he wore when they met him during his arrival earlier was one of relief, of longing and exhaustion. The one she sees now, the one she feels, her fingers delicately tracing the plains of his face, mapping it out because she’s unable to keep herself from doing so, it’s one of pure joy and excitement.

“We need to talk,” she mumbles, and somehow, his smile widens.

She wrinkles her nose slightly and tries to move away, but he’s still holding tightly onto her, unwilling to let her slip from his arms. The expression he offers her is so sappy, and were it any other situation, she would have made fun of him for it. But now, she can’t do anything but offer him a small smile back.

He leans down and presses another kiss against her lips, because that’s something they do now. It lasts only a moment, before she tucks herself up against him, his arms around her body, her head resting in the crook of his neck.

“We can talk later. I promise,” he whispers against her hair.

For once, she looks forward to the future. They could face anything, together.

“Unless you get sent off to another galaxy again.”

She laughs when he gasps in indignation, grumbling about it being “too soon” for her to make jokes like that. Melinda just smiles, not responding, content with tracing patterns over his heart, knowing that she would not let him be taken from her again.

If that meant following him to the ends of the earth, to unknown worlds, through the stars and back again, she would do it in a heartbeat.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, if you enjoyed and have the time to, I always appreciate comments and feedback :)


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